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Discover Jesus Week
Thursday, April 1, 2010
As funny as it may sound, i have spent my entire school life in a christian environment of sorts, from Presbyterian to Methodist and i am very likely to continue that trend. Yet, you would know me as the narcissist, the self absorbed cynic , the extreme pessimist, and the person accused of emo-fying this blog. So something must be wrong right?Yet, again, whenever Im being posed with the question of religion. I cant say for sure, what i believe in. I cant with absolute certainty tell you if im a free thinker, aetheist, want-to-be chrisitian or something different altogether. And i guess this is where the real conflict lies..
We all have moments of doubt dont we, of depression and sadness where we wonder why this must happen. Moments where trust no longer presents itself as possible and faith seems too distant. Over the span of these 2 years, i have been told of 3 deaths. The first of which happened to someone so dear to me, that words cannot express how horrible i felt for seeing her have to go through that period of time. The feeling of helplesness that transcended to everyone who knew her was so painful, of her emotional turmoil i would have so much wanted to share with her. That was an utterly cruel moment.
The second death that i came to know about was of a boy that was an old family friend who had a premature passing. Being a genious and someone who wanted to change the world, fate struck his dream apart where he came to know that he had a rare disease. within the short span of a month or so, he departed. What possible reason is there to take away someone at such a tender age.
The third death was very recent, and it left me speechless once again. I know that she would just want to be alone, to curl up in a ball and cry her heart out, only to do the very same thing the next morning, but we all want to be some sort of support where at least she doesn't have to bottle up her feelings. Thats also when the idea of death really became very real to me.
Then my feelings become mixed again, whenever there is chapel.
Somewhere between the lines of
"Heal my heart and make it clean,
open up my eyes to the things unseen,
show me how to love like you, have loved me"
and
"Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me"
It ignites a fire that compels me to belive, that there is someone great out there that ensures everything will be alright and its all in his purpose for us. I have a special song, that sings to me and has a way of magically reappearing every time im at my lowest. Its called Still and friends would tell you that i burst out crying almost everytime i hear it. It challenges all the thoughts that i had in the earlier part of this post, because it always promises of something better and good.
So to wrap up my slew of confusing and contradicting thoughts, maybe the answer was always in front of us. Maybe we never really saw what it what meant, and maybe its time to recognize and believe.